100 Ways To Say You’re Masturbating Without Saying “Masturbating” (now with gifs!)

Since May is International Masturbation Month, I’ve been talking about dudes jerking off and ladies diddling their skittles a lot more than usual recently. To help save myself from overusing the same euphemisms for self-love, I’ve put together a list of 100 of my favorite funny, weird, and obscure slang terms for fapping. Hopefully you’ll be able to add a few new ways to say you were spanking the monkey to your vocabulary!

Here we go…

  1. firing the surgeon general
  2. Joycelyn Eldering
  3. raising my minimum wage
  4. erecting the Keystone Pipeline
  5. five knuckle shuffle
  6. making the bald man cry
  7. having a date with Rosey Palm and her 5 sisters
  8. waxing the dolphin
  9. punching the clown
  10. petting the kitty
  11. doing the two finger taco tango
  12. playing a little 5 on 1
  13. auditioning the finger puppets
  14. jackin’ the beanstalk
  15. paddling the pink canoe
  16. tiptoeing through the twolips
  17. saluting your shorts
  18. taming the shrew
  19. releasing the kraken
  20. Han Solo’ing
  21. tickling the Wookie
  22. taking my talents to South Beach
  23. figer painting
  24. playing the clitar
  25. giving the seamen shore leave
  26. pumping your own gas
  27. dancing with my myself
  28. glazing the donuts
  29. giving yourself a low-five
  30. killing kittens
  31. calling down for more mayo
  32. battery testing
  33. preparing the altar boy’s supper
  34. taking Capt. Picard to warp speed
  35. windsurfing on Mt. Baldy
  36. doing the knuckle shuffle
  37. shaking hands with the president
  38. making special sauce for the frank and beans
  39. waking the dragon
  40. the five-finger discount
  41. meeting with Marie Handtoinette
  42. pearl diving
  43. gash-lashing
  44. playing centipede
  45. shucking the oyster
  46. greasing the flagpole
  47. kneading the noodle
  48. visiting Father Fingers
  49. beating the fuck out of your best friend
  50. shaking hands with shorty
  51. slappin’ pappy
  52. charming the snake
  53. changing your oil
  54. going for the gold
  55. rubbin’ the nubbin
  56. shaking the needle from the haystack
  57. badgering a witness
  58. bopping the bologna
  59. slamming the salami
  60. hitting the slit
  61. playing one-man tug-o-war
  62. the one gun salute
  63. tooting your own horn
  64. scratching that itch
  65. having sex with someone you love
  66. tickling Elmo
  67. wrestling the gator
  68. doing wrist aerobics
  69. yanking my doodle (cause it’s a dandy!)
  70. target practice
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  71. doing sloppy sign language
  72. smoking the kielbasa
  73. buffing the banana
  74. double-clicking your mouse
  75. patting the bunny
  76. playing disc jockey
  77. Morking the Mindy
  78. raising Lazarus from the dead
  79. shaking your Sir Francis Bacon
  80. milking the cow
  81. having a clam bake for one
  82. beating around the bush
  83. manual override
  84. drowning the little man in the boat
  85. flicking the bean
  86. polishing the pewter
  87. attending to the matter at hand
  88. visiting the petting zoo
  89. dating Miss Michigan
  90. taking myself to dinner
  91. jerkin’ the gerkhin
  92. sacrificing future generations
  93. googling yourself
  94. pounding the pudd
  95. shaking hands with the devil
  96. taking the daschund for a walk
  97. firing the photon torpedoes
  98. sinking your own battleship
  99. using the self-checkout line
  100. having love come in spurts


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