I don’t normally read Cosmopolitan magazine, but if I’m stuck in a waiting room or something like that and there is an issue of Cosmo lying around I’ll definitely read it, mainly for their hilariously stupid and sometimes just plain bad sex tips. Sometimes I wonder if the writers at Cosmo even have sex? If they did I think they would know that these tips are pretty much garbage.

Take these for example:

Pucker your lips, and make him fight to get his tongue in while he’s kissing you madly. (this sounds more annoying than sexy)
Post-orgasm, squeeze his testicles. It’ll give him a sexy aftershock. (owwww!)
Place one hand at the base of his shaft and twist the tip with the other-like you’re opening a jar. (again, owwww!)
Let him finish on your breasts. (wow, what a novel idea….)
Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects. (um…. what the fuck?)
Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum (ow ow ow ow!)
Rub the tip of his penis against your lips, like you’re applying lipstick on them. (in what alternate universe is this actually sexy?)
While kissing him, lick and suck his tongue to simulate action below his belt. (creeeepy)
As you orgasm, scream out not only his name but also his full street address. (seriously?)

And one of my new favorites, from the May 2010 issue:

Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple (make sure it’s not too hot), and ask your man if it’s spicy enough. (HAHA!)

Over at thegloss.com they decided to try out some of Cosmo’s scary sex tips and here’s what happened…

So, kids,  what did we learn today?

DON’T TRUST COSMO’S SEX TIPS IF YOU VALUE YOUR/YOUR PARTNER’S PENIS!

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